Anyhow I'm thinking of writing it in the form of increasingly desperate personal statements. Tell me what you think:
BAD ESSAYAny good. I don't know.
Please tell us about yourself and your personal interests. The goal of this essay is to get a sense of who you are rather than what you have achieved professionally. (Maximum of 500 words)
My name is Lachelle Lee and I am a cokehead, a bulimic and a yoga intern. My family is Korean and because I never learned how to say no to my psycho parents, I’m trying to get an MBA so that I can please them more fully. Of course, they won’t care and even if they do care they are going to pretend that I’m just fucking around because really I’m a reflection of all their angst and all of their bullshit. Fuck my parents. Seriously, fuck them up the ass. Dad made a shitload of money which is easy if you want to neglect your kids and then he decided to be a parent when I turned 25, long after I had already got involved with an abusive fucker and became a cocaine addict. Mom was a little better in terms of parenting. She actually hired a spy to keep track of me when I was a teenager and sent me to military school when the spy watched me fucking in a car.
Really, I want to be a spy for rich parents. If you get to watch teenage kids fucking in cars and get paid for it, you got it made. But I don’t think they pay very well.
So to be the perfect daughter, I went to New York and attended some bullshit college, got a 3.9 and my parents didn’t attend the graduation because they didn’t believe that it was a decent college. I was so starving for affection that I dated a guy who beat me on a regular basis and threw bottles at my head. I’m never dating a black guy again. Terry also anally raped me and stole $30,000 from my parents and if you want to hear fucked up, they didn’t even notice. Mom knew about it, but Dad never said a word.
Seriously, I wish they were born in North Korea because then I’d just be a communist. Of course, Terry was the worst but I also dated a guy who lived off of me. All he had to do was cry and I’d throw 4000 at him in hopes that he’d pay it back. He never paid it back and for my troubles, I’m now the psycho bitch ex-girlfriend in his mind. And this summer I got an abortion. Sure, I could have had the kid but my parents would have freaked even more and welfare mothers are a shame to everyone.
But hey, it could be worse. I could have been Chinese. I have yet to meet a Chinese girl without a crazy mother who beats her and internalizes centuries of misogyny only to project on her. Oh sure, some Chinese girls don’t have to deal with their crazy mothers – the exposed on mountain ones.
Fuck my parents. Fuck this MBA. Daddy is paying for it because that’s the only thing that he will pay for and they raised me to be a spoiled brat so I don’t give a fuck about anything. I need their money but I have come to expect no love from those assholes.